WITCHYS WIKKED GRAPHIX


This is so funny. It was posted by one of the members of the Florida Romance Writers. We have fun, we really do!
Not your typical Christmas Holiday Story, but you will have to admit it was a gallant effort to be funny amongst a good natured family.

Subject: [FRWriters] Christmas joke - not for the faint of heart

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to
find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his
fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to
fill them.

WITCHYS WIKKED GRAPHIX



What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because
every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed,
his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

WITCHYS WIKKED GRAPHIX


One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses
and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those
things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go, you'll only
confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does
this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made
it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also
substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane
during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many
different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the
box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I
settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price
scale.

To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to
life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee
morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the
dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate
some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby
tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his
house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left
the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back
and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest
of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional
Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What
the hell is that?' she asked.

My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into
the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no
one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on
Granny, hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to
me and said, 'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him
she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to
Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we
realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died,
who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a
noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched
from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in
front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through
my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began
administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to
decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had
suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her
to perfect health..

I can't wait until next Christmas.

___

WITCHYS WIKKED GRAPHIX

Now get ready for New Year's Eve

WITCHYS WIKKED GRAPHIX

Christmas is over and now the New Year begins. So what should be doing. We're the Pink Fuzzy Slipper Writer's, there is only one thing we can do!

WITCHYS WIKKED GRAPHIX



Let's all make a New Year's resolution to write, write and write some more! That's what author's do!
This is gonna be the year!! The year we have dreamed of our whole lives!! The year we become successful...
But not if we don't write.
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20 comments

  1. Judy // December 31, 2009 at 8:56 AM  

    Fun... I've seen this before and it gets a laugh every time! Thanks for sharing...and yes, let's make it a great year!!

  2. Beth Trissel // December 31, 2009 at 9:23 AM  

    Thanks Mary. Enjoyed this.

  3. Patrice // December 31, 2009 at 1:40 PM  

    Great story, Mary! I love how you do your graphics, you'll have to teach me sometime! Have a wonderful New Years eve, and I wish everyone much success and happiness in the year to come.

  4. Mary Ricksen // December 31, 2009 at 2:03 PM  

    Happy New Year everyone!

  5. Emma Lai // December 31, 2009 at 2:54 PM  

    Happy New Year, Mary! Thanks for the entertaining story!

  6. Maeve Greyson // December 31, 2009 at 3:31 PM  

    Loved it, Mary! Thanks for the laugh!!!

  7. Mary Marvella // December 31, 2009 at 3:33 PM  

    That is a funny story! HAPPY NEW YEAR, ALL!!!!!

  8. Scarlet Pumpernickel // December 31, 2009 at 4:29 PM  

    So funny! Got it in an email from my cousin in FL just before Christmas! The pictures are a nice touch! LMAO again! Thanks for sharing.

  9. Scarlet Pumpernickel // December 31, 2009 at 4:30 PM  

    Happy New Year everyone!

  10. Kathy Otten // December 31, 2009 at 5:35 PM  

    Very funny. I had a good laugh. Thanks. Happy New Year everyone!

  11. Mona Risk // December 31, 2009 at 5:55 PM  

    Mary, I love the animated pictures you use. I don't know how to do that. Happy New Year.

  12. P.L. Parker // December 31, 2009 at 6:27 PM  

    How funny! Was a good one. Happy New Year!

  13. Karen Michelle Nutt // December 31, 2009 at 7:11 PM  

    Too Funny. Thanks for sharing.

    Happy New Year!

  14. Jana Richards // December 31, 2009 at 7:21 PM  

    Hi Mary,
    Thanks for the giggle. I think I've read this before but it's still very funny.

    And I agree with everyone about the cool pictures and graphics. Where do you get this stuff? You need to give a class or something.

    Happy New Year everyone!
    Jana

  15. Barbara Monajem // December 31, 2009 at 7:45 PM  

    Thank you, Mary! What a hoot.

  16. Scarlet Pumpernickel // December 31, 2009 at 10:40 PM  

    Back from Movies, went to see It's Complicated! It was great. Really enjoyed it. Everyone should go see it.

  17. Mary Ricksen // December 31, 2009 at 10:43 PM  

    As 12:00 approaches, I want to wish you all the very best. Happiness and health to all. Thanks for commenting!

  18. Mary Marvella // January 1, 2010 at 1:21 AM  

    2010 will be our year! We rule! first comment of 2010?

  19. darkangelauthor // January 1, 2010 at 9:00 AM  

    Whether it's true or not, that's probably the funniest story I've heard in ages! Thanks so much for the giggle, Mary, and Happy New Year!

  20. Joanne // January 3, 2010 at 5:17 PM  

    I'm chiming in late, Mary, but enjoyed this.