Today's topic on health and beauty is... snorkeling. What? It fits. Paddling around in turquoise, bathtub-warm water is healthy (at least until you get out, hungry, and down a couple handfuls of deliciously melty chocolate covered macadamia nuts). And if you haven't seen yellow tangs and Moorish idols (think Willem Dafoe’s scarred, ocean lusting Gill in Finding Nemo) swimming amid the coral under a Hawaiian sun, you don't know what beauty is. Even the unique to Hawaii humuhumu-nukunuku-apua’as (pronounced, at least by my family, hoomoo hoomoo nookoo nookoo apoo ahpah) are beautiful too, in a What was that? Picasso cubism sort of way.

But to understand what beauty is, it's also important to understand what it's not. And so I, valiant reporter, took it upon myself to travel to Hawaii and push the boundaries of beauty, attractiveness and good taste, all for the good of the Pink Fuzzy Slipper Writers. By which I mean I joined the beautiful people laying out on the postcard perfect beaches in designer swimsuits and a deep, golden tan you just can't get out of a bottle. Only I was wearing SPF 45 (hey, I burn), rubber-ducky-yellow flippers, and a snorkel and mask.

One can identify the latest beauty ideals by watching the trends. And given the number of people bobbing face down in the water with me vs. those napping beachside on loungers, I can only conclude that snorkel-wear is HOT.

A backside several shades darker than your front and quite possibly sun burnt? Gorgeous. And oddly-lispy voice from holding a snorkel between your teeth for an hour? Sexy. Deeply imprinted mask marks in a wide circle encompassing your forehead, eyes and nose? Stunning. Coming out of the water with liquid snot pouring out your nose from the saltwater? Beauty.