Posted by Liz Jasper | 2:15 PM | , , | 3 comments »

Today's health and beauty topic is: mascara. Or, as I like to call it, smudge on a wand.

Actually, I don't really call it that. Having a special name for mascara implies a familiarity I don't have. I don’t wear the stuff more than a few times a year. And lest anyone mistakenly credit me with high-minded reasons for eschewing makeup -- animal testing, gender equality, etc. -- my reasons are purely technical. (That not wearing mascara indulges my laziness and cheapness is just a bonus.)

The problem isn't that I can’t get it on straight. I have plenty enough eye-hand coordination for that. If I do find myself with three lashes and a black blob over one eye? Well, that's what the makeup toothbrush is for. (That's not a term of art. I really mean a toothbrush. I keep one in the makeup drawer. I've had one for years, yes, the same one. It's not as if it wears out from use.)

I might get a good solid lash blob three, maybe four times a year. For those math-obsessed readers out there, that makes my blob/application ratio about 66%. Easily handled. So what, you may ask, is the real problem?

Smudges. And not the sexy, smoky eye kind you can pretend you did on purpose. I'm talking thick black rings under my eyes. And these aren't any simple wash-off rings. I wear contacts, so I use contact-wearer-approved waterproof mascara. Those rings are on for the duration.
Why? Why me? No one else seems to have this problem. It's not as if I live in Florida. And anyway, waterproof. As far as I can see, there's no explanation. It's just mean.

Wait. Maybe this is about animal testing, after all. I mean, on me. (Humans are animals, for those who slept through the classification lectures in seventh grade science. Killing Poor Charles Our Fingers Got Sticky, anyone? Kings Play Chess on Fine-Grained Sand?) Raccoons have taken over Maybelline and are secretly testing their product on me. I'm probably on the cover of Glamour Raccoon. In raccoon homes everywhere, on little raccoon girl’s walls, there are photos of me coming home after a night out with huge black rings under my eyes.

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. I—

(Liz Jasper’s blog had to end early today due to technical difficulties. The author has poked herself in the eye with her mascara wand.)


  1. Misc. Muse // September 20, 2007 at 7:41 PM  

    I love it. I may use some of your excusing for not wearing make-up or putting it on quickly- LOL I find as I get older- I don't have to have makeup going out of the house. I am more oh well this is me.

  2. Beth Trissel // September 21, 2007 at 8:19 AM  

    Very funny post, Liz. :))))))))

  3. Helen Scott Taylor // September 22, 2007 at 12:26 PM  

    Liz, I'm with you 100%. I hate mascara. Because I wear it so infrequently, when I do put it on I inevitably forget and rub my eyes. In one of my books (not Magic Knot) the heroine ends up with Panda eyes from her mascara. Mind you, she had just survived an attack by a scary paranormal creature. I can't use that excuse--or I suppose I could try, but my husband probably wouldn't believe it!