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The one thing I always wanted was to have children. Believe me when I say I did everything I could, but for some reason God decided not to give them to me. For years it has been my biggest heartbreak. I so envied those lucky mom's who got to smell the sweet infant scent, you know the one that melts your heart. To never hear those first words, or see those first steps, I musta been really bad in my last life!
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When people showed me pictures, or my sister sent the videos of my nieces, I held back my feelings. How, could this happen to me. To adopt a normal baby was way out of my league. Who has twenty grand sitting around for the chance of holding that small bundle and giving my unconditional love. Not me. So I have held my hearts desire at bay. Stop thinking about how much I would have done for my child, or what I have missed...because there wasn't a thing I could do about it anyhow.
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On Friday night I thanked God for not putting me through the pain so many parents felt that evening. I watched as a whole country cried over the senseless death of innocents. What reason was there to kill those children? Why did God let it happen? So many questions and no answers for any of them.
Do we stop letting people have guns? Would that stop the death of these children? How many parents are wondering what they can do. It boggles the mind. Mostly because the answer is so vague and uncertain.

Rifles - China Army
Could anyone have suspected that their child would kill them? Why does a woman need an assault rifle, for target practice? Why weren't those guns locked up? I just don't get it...

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Would it help to have guns taken away from everyone? Does the saying, "if guns were outlawed, only outlaws would have them," make sense to you?
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I don't know, but I don't like the idea that my neighbor's son pulled an AK47 on my husband when he went to ask about our fence after a hurricane. If that was my son, he'd be in a place out west for disturbed boys, getting the help he needed. Well, that didn't happen, last I heard he was doing ten years for assault with a deadly weapon. Why did his mother allow her son, who she knew had issues, to continue his behavior and be his enabler? I don't get it at all.
I'd like to think my child would have been killed. Your children are supposed to outlive you!
The horror of what those parents are going through, I just can't fathom. But, maybe God had a reason for not giving me children. Would my child be dead from this kind of horror? How could I stand that kind of pain, I cannot imagine. Never to see that impish face of my child again. Never to hold that little body close and infuse my love into it. Never to watch them grow and marry and hold those grandchildren, would be more than I could live with.
But, even worse, imagine being that young man's father. To know your flesh and blood had done the unthinkable--it boggles the mind. I can't go there.
My friends know I am a sap. I cry over old Lassie movies. I just had a hard time understanding when a co-author pal told me she wouldn't cry if she was telling her best friend, that a child they knew had been raped, in a book we are writing together. Two of our critique partners agreed. Me, I'd be crying a blue streak.
But, sap or not, no one can watch the news and not feel the emotional loss. No one...
So, I guess what I am trying to say is this. No one can understand why awful things happen to innocents of any age. No one will ever really know what drove a young man to murder his mother. How could he shoot another round after he saw the blood, the pain, or heard the screams...how could he shoot on and on? There is no way to comprehend that kind of mindset. But, I tell you this, for once in my life I thank God that I don't have children. Because, I don't think I could have survived that kind of pain.

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15 comments

  1. Mona Risk // December 17, 2012 at 4:48 PM  

    What a wonderful post coming from the heart Mary. You express our feelings so well. When I saw the picture of little Grace mcDonnell I sobbed. She's the spitting image and the same age as my darling Olivia.I prayed for these children today, for their parents and grandparents.

    Why would a woman keep such dangerous weapons when she had two boys at home, and oneis mentally disturbed. Banning guns will not stop crimes, but it will certainly decrease the rate of massacres of that type.

  2. Beth Trissel // December 17, 2012 at 5:17 PM  

    Beautiful wrenching heartfelt post. I too am struggling and praying a great deal these days. I think more restrictions on guns is a start, but some man attacked children in China with a knife. Parents, teachers, counselors, friends, or whoever comes in contact with these deeply troubled young men ready to explode at any moment must take them far more seriously and turn them in. Cry loudly for help before it's too late.

    Mary, God bless you. I don't know why you don't have kids, and I'm very sorry, but hey, no one loves you like your dog. You can always have fur babies...but now I have wandered off the subject. Oh right, what to do???

  3. Hywela Lyn // December 17, 2012 at 5:30 PM  

    What a heart wrenching, poignant post, Mary. The news of this terrible incident is causing ripples of grief all over the world. Who could not feel the pain of the parents and siblings of these beautiful, innocent little souls, butchered for no apparent reason, their lives snatched away in a moment of what must surely have been madness.

    Over here in the UK we were shocked and horrified to learn of these terrible murders - brought home even more because one of the innocents slain was a little six year old boy from England, whose parents had moved to the US because of his father's job. They thought they were living in a lovely, safe little town, as no doubt did all the other residents of Newtown.

    The sad truth brought home yesterday is that in this century, nowhere in the world is safe, as long as there are guns and knives and young men whose crazed actions make one think Satan must have taken over their souls.

  4. Marcia King-Gamble // December 17, 2012 at 5:36 PM  

    I think the issue here is what are we going to do about the mentally unstable. Many live next door to you and me. My heart hurts for the families left behind. This is a tragedy that should never have happened. Several innocent lives were taken and we are all still reeling from the shock. Some say gun control. I say families/friends need to stop being in denial and seek help for those mentally challenged. I am so sorry for the friends and families who have lost loved ones. God Bless!

  5. victoriapinder // December 17, 2012 at 5:38 PM  

    I heard about so much while being away and I am pushing the tragedy out of my head. I've been to that town. I have family in the next town over that I don't see much, but doesn't mean I don't care.

    I can't politicize my emotions yet onto guns. But we live in a crazy new world and I work in a school. I just cannot imagine the pain, and I'm so sorry for everyone there.
    My heart and prayers are there and with every parent and child wondering 'is my child safe.'

  6. Mary Ricksen // December 17, 2012 at 6:42 PM  

    A whole lot of hearts are broken...need an officer in every school---armed to protect.

  7. Lilly Gayle // December 17, 2012 at 7:21 PM  

    Thank you for sharing from the heart. I've cried several times since Friday, but like many, I don't blame the guns. As Beth pointed out, a sicko in China killed something like 11 kids with a knife and no one is advocating blade control. BUT, I have to agree on one point. Why does anyone who isn't a cop or soldier need an assault rifle? You can't hunt with an assault rifle. And Why target shoot with something you KNOW is going to hit multiple targets? Kind of takes the skill out of it. I think before any new laws are proposed, the government needs to enforce the ones they have and impose harsher penalties on those who break the law.

  8. Mary Ricksen // December 17, 2012 at 7:53 PM  

    Exactly!!

  9. P.L. Parker // December 17, 2012 at 8:29 PM  

    I don't think I could bear it if this had been one of my sons or my granddaughter. The grief and rage would be too much to handle. My prayers go to those poor little ones and their families and to the brave adults who tried to shield them. If there is a way to stop these horrible tragedies, we have to find it.

  10. Mary Ricksen // December 17, 2012 at 8:32 PM  

    If only Patsy...

  11. Nancy J. Cohen // December 18, 2012 at 8:17 AM  

    Beautifully said, Mary, and I am so sorry your life's dream never came to be. With deep love always comes the chance for loss and pain. I, too, cannot imagine the agony those parents must be experiencing, nor do I want to try.

  12. Judy // December 18, 2012 at 9:40 AM  

    Such a sad incomprehensible thing... There are no easy answers. Not really... I'm sorry for your loss, too.

  13. marja // December 18, 2012 at 1:52 PM  

    I pray for the babies and their families and friends, and for a whole nation in mourning. Will gun control solve the problem? I seriously doubt it. Where there's a will, there's a way, and if someone wants to do damage then they'll do it with or without guns. Although, the type of gun people own is another story.

    Marcia said people need to stop being in denial and get help for those with mental issues. She's right.

    In the meantime, we all cry for these innocents. It simply wasn't their time to go.

  14. Mary Marvella // December 18, 2012 at 2:30 PM  

    Mary, you did it again. Girl, you have so much heart and you shared beautifully! I have been running since Friday and kept forgetting to check our blog.

    The others commented so well.

    When people asked why God allowed bad things to happen, I thought about Job. There will always be evil! Evil will always find a person who will find a weapon.

  15. Josie // December 24, 2012 at 11:47 AM  

    Heartbreaking, Mary, but needed to be shared. Thanks for posting.