The one thing I always wanted was to have children. Believe me when I say I did everything I could, but for some reason God decided not to give them to me. For years it has been my biggest heartbreak. I so envied those lucky mom's who got to smell the sweet infant scent, you know the one that melts your heart. To never hear those first words, or see those first steps, I musta been really bad in my last life!
When people showed me pictures, or my sister sent the videos of my nieces, I held back my feelings. How, could this happen to me. To adopt a normal baby was way out of my league. Who has twenty grand sitting around for the chance of holding that small bundle and giving my unconditional love. Not me. So I have held my hearts desire at bay. Stop thinking about how much I would have done for my child, or what I have missed...because there wasn't a thing I could do about it anyhow.
On Friday night I thanked God for not putting me through the pain so many parents felt that evening. I watched as a whole country cried over the senseless death of innocents. What reason was there to kill those children? Why did God let it happen? So many questions and no answers for any of them.
Do we stop letting people have guns? Would that stop the death of these children? How many parents are wondering what they can do. It boggles the mind. Mostly because the answer is so vague and uncertain.
Would it help to have guns taken away from everyone? Does the saying, "if guns were outlawed, only outlaws would have them," make sense to you?
I don't know, but I don't like the idea that my neighbor's son pulled an AK47 on my husband when he went to ask about our fence after a hurricane. If that was my son, he'd be in a place out west for disturbed boys, getting the help he needed. Well, that didn't happen, last I heard he was doing ten years for assault with a deadly weapon. Why did his mother allow her son, who she knew had issues, to continue his behavior and be his enabler? I don't get it at all.
I'd like to think my child would have been killed. Your children are supposed to outlive you!
The horror of what those parents are going through, I just can't fathom. But, maybe God had a reason for not giving me children. Would my child be dead from this kind of horror? How could I stand that kind of pain, I cannot imagine. Never to see that impish face of my child again. Never to hold that little body close and infuse my love into it. Never to watch them grow and marry and hold those grandchildren, would be more than I could live with.
But, even worse, imagine being that young man's father. To know your flesh and blood had done the unthinkable--it boggles the mind. I can't go there.
My friends know I am a sap. I cry over old Lassie movies. I just had a hard time understanding when a co-author pal told me she wouldn't cry if she was telling her best friend, that a child they knew had been raped, in a book we are writing together. Two of our critique partners agreed. Me, I'd be crying a blue streak.
But, sap or not, no one can watch the news and not feel the emotional loss. No one...
So, I guess what I am trying to say is this. No one can understand why awful things happen to innocents of any age. No one will ever really know what drove a young man to murder his mother. How could he shoot another round after he saw the blood, the pain, or heard the screams...how could he shoot on and on? There is no way to comprehend that kind of mindset. But, I tell you this, for once in my life I thank God that I don't have children. Because, I don't think I could have survived that kind of pain.